I missed watching the first moon landing thanks to my parents who, for whatever reason, abstained from having sex for three months prior to my conception. I was born a naked white child on the 1st of October, 1969. With light blonde hair, big blue eyes, pale skin, I looked like I’d just fallen off a Gerber label. My mother was a local purveyor of fragrances and a French makeup line which, to this day, I cannot pronounce. My pop was a cop who always hoped I’d follow in his foot steps but, in retrospect, I found it amusing

Continue reading…Jesus Christ – Thy Neighbour

Day 1 of my vacation…in 1912. 8:46am – White Star Dock, berth 44, as it reads on my heavily creased ticket. I’m here. I’m actually here. It smells like rotten fish and gasoline but I’m here. No one seems to notice me which is a good thing. Blending in nicely in my Edwardian attire and Victorian haircut. Too much pomade. If I’m going to stand out, I’m hoping it’s because of my fancy duds and not the fact I’m from the year 2020. I’m standing on a first class passengers only walkway high above a massive crowd on the pier

Continue reading…My Vacation… in 1912

Where there’s a sunbeam, there’s a temporary solution to many of life’s problems. Even when I was a little kid and I got stressed out, I sought out a sunbeam to lie in. You can find them practically anywhere. Ok, so I might not try this at the office but for now it’s in the master bedroom. I move the seldom used faux-leather recliner into position, strap on my headphones, find “Dawn of Light” by Mike Wall (highly recommended) and lean back into the 3X5 delicately dusted beam of bright white light projecting onto the carpeted floor. I know I

Continue reading…My Go-To Place -or- A Temporary Solution to COVID-19

I can remember my mother telling me when I was a kid to be thankful for what I’ve got. At the time, like most things my parents said to me, it either went in one ear and out the other or I just didn’t get the deeper meaning. Everything was so superficial back then. I’d just nod in agreement, feigning understanding and move forward in my childhood philosophy that “be thankful for what I’ve got” simply meant I have a Star Wars Snow Speeder and little Jamie Fraser down the street didn’t cuz he was kind of a dick. As

Continue reading…Oh, I’ll Complain Alright!!