Jesus Christ – Thy Neighbour

   I missed watching the first moon landing thanks to my parents who, for whatever reason, abstained from having sex for three months prior to my conception. I was born a naked white child on the 1st of October, 1969. With light blonde hair, big blue eyes, pale skin, I looked like I’d just fallen off a Gerber label. My mother was a local purveyor of fragrances and a French makeup line which, to this day, I cannot pronounce. My pop was a cop who always hoped I’d follow in his foot steps but, in retrospect, I found it amusing

My Vacation… in 1912

Day 1 of my vacation…in 1912. 8:46am – White Star Dock, berth 44, as it reads on my heavily creased ticket. I’m here. I’m actually here. It smells like rotten fish and gasoline but I’m here. No one seems to notice me which is a good thing. Blending in nicely in my Edwardian attire and Victorian haircut. Too much pomade. If I’m going to stand out, I’m hoping it’s because of my fancy duds and not the fact I’m from the year 2020. I’m standing on a first class passengers only walkway high above a massive crowd on the pier

My Go-To Place -or- A Temporary Solution to COVID-19

Where there’s a sunbeam, there’s a temporary solution to many of life’s problems. Even when I was a little kid and I got stressed out, I sought out a sunbeam to lie in. You can find them practically anywhere. Ok, so I might not try this at the office but for now it’s in the master bedroom. I move the seldom used faux-leather recliner into position, strap on my headphones, find “Dawn of Light” by Mike Wall (highly recommended) and lean back into the 3X5 delicately dusted beam of bright white light projecting onto the carpeted floor. I know I

Oh, I’ll Complain Alright!!

I can remember my mother telling me when I was a kid to be thankful for what I’ve got. At the time, like most things my parents said to me, it either went in one ear and out the other or I just didn’t get the deeper meaning. Everything was so superficial back then. I’d just nod in agreement, feigning understanding and move forward in my childhood philosophy that “be thankful for what I’ve got” simply meant I have a Star Wars Snow Speeder and little Jamie Fraser down the street didn’t cuz he was kind of a dick. As

2020: The Year Of Clarity™

There’ll likely be many well-wishers posting their “Happy New Year” greetings today so why should I be any different? I’m not a conformist; I like to cut my own path through the woods, but I willingly suspend my beliefs if only for today. New Years has really never meant much to me. A NEW year is going to come regardless of my presence, involvement or opinion. As for new years resolutions… I don’t make them on January 1st. I make them on October 1st, my birthday. Resolutions should be personal and reflect who we are as individuals and not as

Adulting Sucks -or- Crossroads Are Stupid

The hot sun radiates down on a Mexican beach. The melody on your smartwatch rings, telling you in its native digital tongue to rollover and begin baking your other side. As you reach for the Piña Colada the waiter just set on the table next to your oceanside cabana bed, you think, this is the kind of moment I wish I could live in for the rest of my life. Not me though. You know when you’re in the shower and the warm water beats down on the back of your neck? You reach behind you and turn the handle upward and

The Funeral -or- a Short, SHORT Story About Death

167, 168, 169, 200, 201… Why do ceiling tiles have all those tiny little holes? I imagine back in the day it was so the asbestos above them could breathe. Dead, I look up from my coffin staring at a brown water stain on a warped ceiling tile. So warped, in fact, that I expect it will fall on me at any moment. Be a shame to mess up my face after the mortician worked so hard to get me just right. So, this is how it all ends; laying in a bargain basement casket, made from God-only-knows what kinda

Just Create! -or- “Creative Juices” Sounds Gross!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a variety of projects I’m currently working on. One in particular is a children’s books I’m struggling to put together with a friend of mine… and I stress the word “struggling”. It seems that every time I go to work on the book life gets in the way — life and a lack of enthusiasm. I’d liken it to writer’s block but I’m illustrating. Well, I’m writing it too but as I write this article the story line of the book is already written. I’m sure writing out the actual book text will

The Day I Altered The Future -or- Leave The Worms Be

Over the past few days I’ve had a recurring memory of a day two years ago when I was out jogging. It could be nothing. It could mean the end of the Universe!! I was out for a run in the spring of 2017, like I still do nearly everyday. Little did I know that that day would be different. I was running past our local community center adjacent to a field vacant of any greenery. The result of the ongoing construction that would eventually give birth to a new suburban neighborhood. I bounced along the path with ACDC’s “Back

Turning 50 -or- I Think I’m Going Japanese

As I write this I’m on a bullet train bound for Kyoto and I can’t help but smile as we pass by Mt. Fuji who’s decided of all days to pick today to wear a hat (of clouds). It’s the first time I laid eyes on her. In fact, it’s my first visit to the Land of the Rising Sun. I came here to celebrate my 50th birthday and mark visiting Japan off my bucket list. I’m finding it hard to resist getting all nostalgic about my birthday this year, even though I’ve never considered myself the nostalgic type. I